The haunting silence of the perfect balance.

Imagine this:

You are slowly going up the roller coaster, and there comes that point when it stops. You’re at the highest peak and the anticipation of going down is killing you but you’re also waiting for it. There’s that little bubble of chaos stuck in your throat and it’s just about to come to surface, you know it’s coming. You are also aware. Aware that it is going to drop below, plunging into every single thing with so much of a rush that your eyes aren’t even open.

The roller coaster is silent now. Things are going to happen. You are ready for it.

But then something interesting happens. The second the roller coaster starts moving, it turns into a ferris wheel. So instead of the plunge, you are expected to just sit in that booth or whatever, and look around and appreciate the view. It is slow, uniform. You surely can enjoy it, the view is beautiful and all that, but there is so much of you that just wants the “it” you thought you were going to get. So now there’s a very big jumble of complex emotions which are just confused in their existence all together, and you don’t know how to feel because you are aware of their presence but it is all so contradicting.

There is logic and there is emotion. You experience an intensity of both in such perfect opposite and equal forces that you find yourself somewhere in between all of this, it is a mess.

If you find yourself relating to the above scenario, read on for the simple yet effective methods of dealing with this. Kindly note that this is my experience and you also have to make it your own. I cannot help directly, but I can help you help yourself.

Realise this:

External forces exist. You may not be in control but you are in control of how you experience what you experience.

Do not suppress these emotions. They are coming to you for a reason. Feel them all. Do not be scared or embarrassed or guilty or any of that. You are feeling, so feel with arms wide open.

Understand why they are there. There is always a trigger, which sets things off, if you cannot figure it out then spend time with yourself and do exactly that.

Accept them. Because cause and effect happens. Because it is complicated but it is still your reaction. You do not have to react in a “normal” manner, or a manner that is “accepted”. We are all different and so are how we process things; therefore please do not go down that road, or at least know that it is okay.

Once you are done with it, let it go. It’s just that; so cry or laugh or scream or whatever it is in this world that you feel like expressing and once you are done with it, truly done with it, move on. If you hold on to it you are living in the past and that is not advisable because you will always feel a sense of wanting more and all that.

Shit does happen. Avoid blaming. Because blame implies a little too much of unnecessary complexes which can easily be cut away by just thinking about it, instead of eating at our brains in such subtle ways that we don’t even question their basis.

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MC40

Today I witnessed my skin tone measured by numbers, only for it to be covered up to make it look “flawless”. My skin was a little too perfect. When I looked into the mirror all I could think of were mannequins that have been ordered and arranged. My nose has always been a brinjal which has been surrounded by mountains of dryness and looks quite chippy, for lack of better words. But not today because a no makeup/natural look includes quite the opposite as it turns out.
It bothers me as to how we live knowing there exists nothing such as perfection, exceptionally when it comes to our bodies but it is so hard for us to actually accept that. So our faces become the canvas for the masterpiece that we just can’t seem to live with always and forever, because there comes a time when it goes away. And when that happens; more must be added because now you’re used to such high standards from yourself and so does everyone else so don’t you dare go out without at least wearing kajal.
Whoever is reading this, know that you have the option of being true to yourself and yes it may be scary at first but it is real and that matters.

Arriving somewhere but not here

It’s strange how sometimes we have to open our minds to others upto the extent where “you” begin to dissolve. Because it’s as though after so much has happened, and you have truly begun to hold your own, you have to give it all away. This is impermanence at its very finest; who do you belong to? To yourself? Take it away and reap from it.
Allow this influence, because as has been said very conveniently to me recently, never repress anything.
And compromise is only compromise when you stick to your guns so intensely that you need to “adjust” your way through, whereas if you are already undefined then is there any true adjustment that is made? I’d like to think  not. Do not go with the flow, be the damn flow and just do that, just flow; wherever, whatever, on and on.

The common mistake we make when it comes to duality is that we overdo “two”. We focus on the divide of two extremities than focusing on their union. Maybe this is because we forget that everything is one, since we are just sustaining a balance of that same overwhelming power.

Like a rolling stone

I don’t even know where to begin. I know that it started and ended with two magnificent rainbows, practically a month apart. And now what has exactly happened in this month; that’s up for debate. Because a part of me has replayed EVERY single thing, and analysed and broken down so much that there were times when I literally had to stroke my head and tell my brain to calm down. Then there’s been another part who has just been living in denial, because, well, WHAAAT? And this part has lived every day saying make the most of all of it, look around, remember the details and the smells and everything. This part has helped me cope because apparently catharsis is not for me in this situation, so all these emotions have just been bottled up and I think they still don’t know how to come out. Oh, and there has also been the part which has looked at each day as a learning process, this part was my personal favourite. Because it gave me reassurance that I will grow from this, and that each thing that happened, however crazy in its existence, took place so that I could learn from it. And I feel that in these 5 weeks (fun fact: in 1.5 hours it shall be exactly 5 weeks) I have been to Pluto and back, owing to the fact that so many mental standings which served as pillars at the back of my mind have all collapsed. In the beginning it was unstable. But now it is exactly that that has become stable. I have come to realise that we have to adapt to all the situations that are presented to us, which arise subconsciously by our own minds, its just that the way in which they are manifested always takes us by storm. Because its always different. There’s always that gap and its that very gap that drives people insane trying to figure out what they did wrong and how to fix it so they search for logical formulae and equations to add in those missing ingredients. Its that fulfilment they crave, and it will not arise as a combination of elements, rather, how YOU act when these elements blow up in your face and make you question everything. Where will you stand when there is no ground? Oh look, there is an underwater explosion.

OnePlusTwo.

There exists various kinds of people. There are those who believe in violence and those who would prefer not to harm even a mosquito. Those would kill for “power”, and those who would rather be killed than control. We are all different. All that. This is known as well as accepted (at least partially).

So why is it so hard for two people, whose extremities find themselves in a constant clash, to find a middle ground and be at peace? Is it truly so difficult for us to compromise a small fraction to come to a common consensus where both the sides that are involved are at least mutually satisfied? I wonder if this doesn’t take place because of my frienemy; ego. We have to be right and others have to be wrong. It can’t be that we are both right, how in the world does that make any sense? So are our entire lives just that, a continuous battle between “us” and “them”, or is it that eventually even this “us” is broken down to you against me and there can only be one winner.

It is also common knowledge that our minds usually complicate even the most simple things, just because they can. According to me, the average human mind sees simplicity as something that is redundant and unfulfilling. It’s so conflicting because I think somewhere along the lines, we forget that it is the the most rudimentary form of anything; if you don’t understand simplicity, how can you expect to understand complexity, when one originates from the other? It’s like the chicken and the egg, patterns and chaos. I recently read a book in which there was a beautiful quote about chaos, which tells us that perhaps chaos is a form of patterns that we do not comprehend. The same can be applied to practically all of our existence; its all a balance between everything and nothing.

Try to find the middle ground, I promise it will be worth it.