Perhaps from the point where I stopped writing.
I feel that for a while now, I have gone through several journeys, all of which focused upon identity, or rather connected back to it. I stopped writing. No art, barely any music. The focus was: who are you when there’s nothing. This seems so clear in the retrospective, but I feel like when I was being the way I was, it was more of going with whatever I felt like and seeing where that took me. And more often than not, the aforementioned were used as a means of escape, than expression (which has always been my purpose for it.)
So here I am, today, writing this. Clearly that means something’s different.
I feel that as a person, I am very cosmic. (Instagram username: cosmicstance) advertising yay. (sorry)
Anyway. I was not cosmic, for a very long time. I was an ordinary human, who lived a life that was full of confusion and chaos and the trivialities of existing. But for me to swing from one end of the spectrum to the other, only to work my way back, has been beyond worth it. And I feel that once you lose yourself and find it once again, there’s so much of a gain, of wondrous beauty in coming back. For a long time now, I have searched for a reason to live in a world that makes me so sad. In terms of poverty, the environment, love, cruelty, greed, you name it. And I felt all this in the micro and macro level, so it was double the impact you could say. More than anything, I searched for this reason in the people around me, in the trees and the wind. I looked forward for the next set of magic I was going to be presented with. And it was so fulfilling. Then when it stopped, in other words, I stopped looking at the beauty, things got hard.
Then there’s here, me as the person writing this in this second, after the absolutely wonderful day that I have had, for no reason in particular, but so many as well.
Three words have been raised in my surrounding conversations lately; innocence, deception, and perception. All on different tangents but my mind has connected them so beautifully. Essentially, everyone’s perception is deceptive, solely because it is subjective. Solipsism states that you can never know another mind that is not your own. Our perceptions of others, and the world itself, automatically translates to the fact that it is ours. And so, deception.
Now there are two choices.
This is also another concept ive been exploring. The reality of duality. Whether it exists at all. If you attract energies, and duality is both extremes, pain and joy, and so on, should you attract pain?
But here I would choose innocence. To constantly deceive me, more often than not because I am not naïve. It’s a matter of my morals, where I choose this path, and if it inflicts pain, I take it with arms wide open. Is that healthy? Subjective.
But for me, it’s magical. Because with each rise I learn more, and more than anything, it’s what I believe in.
Today, for the first time in a long time, I was the answer. I was the reason I should live, because I am so beautiful, and I am so proud of the growth I have witnessed. It feels egoistic, writing I so many times. I’ve read people using eye instead of ‘I’, and eye I am going to start doing that now.