You’re going to be okay.

It’s okay to fall back into the very hole you emerged out of.

It’s okay to dip your feet in the well of poison consciously, time and again, relentlessly.

It’s okay to be as weak as you are strong,

As numb as you are so full of life,

As void, as high, as every little thing that brings you both joy and sorrow.

And it’s okay to be tired, of fighting, of trying, of being. It’s okay.

You’re going to be okay.

You, my fairy plighter, are going to be just fine, in whatever metaphorical meaning you find in these words.

You exist, you are matter, you matter, your heart can be heavy, your mind can be full, but your soul is still growing, awaiting the awakening of its youth.

I love you, as much as I can.

Love and light

You know, the world somehow still spins. Through all that takes place, from everything that tears your heart apart to the ones that teach you how to stitch yourself back together, it still spins. As though it’s just another day. And it is, just another one. Would I find meaning in all of this? “Even fear is God because it is belief.” That’s what I’d say. Forget the logical breaking down of thought. Or the thought behind the formation of a thought. Don’t forget, rather accept but also don’t negate this heart that beats and perceives. The whole point, according to me when it comes to balance is to use both, the head and the heart. It’s like theyre keys to the higher self, the soul. What guides me is this. And it’s terrifying when I attempt to convince myself that the tragic is all that there exists, when I say the truth is lost amongst these tangles. Or that it never existed in the first place. Because there’s that part of me that still holds on to it. Though everything that has ever broken me and still continues to do so, including myself, there’s that thread of light that holds on but it’s so fragile.

Today I have decided to fight for that. Fight the good fight. Take care of yourself, of your mind and body, listen to your heart and admire the truth, in the cosmic energies of the wind and grass, of water and flowers, we must start believing again.

Truth and what ifs.

Its absolutely terrifying to not know, the absolution that comes with it leaves us with two choices; propel or be propelled. There’s a certain opening and closing of windows that takes place, and you come to realise the fact that there are no accidents. For me, I feel that existing itself is cosmic. Every single day is a blessing with seven thousand opportunities, and in the end, theyre all equal. Yet we choose some and negate the others. How do we know that we’re on the right path? Is there one to begin with? What is the point of choosing the lesser of two evils if the path is just another path? Honestly, who knows. Perhaps it’s a matter or personal morals. I know that I choose the one that makes me not cringe as much as the other, sometimes the one that’s obvious, but when it comes to the confusing ones, I never know. And I think a part of me will never know, there’s the big what if, but it’s just that. An if. It’s not what took place, but what would have. And in this manner, life goes on. You get a huge box of what ifs but there’s also the life that you’re living, the choices you’ve made, for a reason.
“You can drive, all night, looking for answers in the pouring rain. You wanna find peace of mind, looking for the answers.”

– Cage The Elephant, Cigarette Daydreams

found piece from 9/4/15

“Even when the faces of disgust feel so innate and heavy, accept that you are learning. You are a human who is growing with each finite breath in an infinite number of ways.

You will break but you will heal.

You will split apart but your passion for yourself is stronger than any superglue.

Those who do not appreciate your shine are all around. Don’t fucking let them dull you.

Polish your stone with self-love.”

It’s adorable that I found this, this morning. I am trying to get back into this sphere, of actually constructing sentences and following a clear train of thought in my mind. But what i find is that once this begins to excel, my poetry vanishes. And vice versa.

I’m trying to find the balance, and it’s quite difficult, but then again when was anything easy? (in the beginning at least)

Thoughts on the piece: aww, what a cutie.

where do eye even begin

Perhaps from the point where I stopped writing.

I feel that for a while now, I have gone through several journeys, all of which focused upon identity, or rather connected back to it. I stopped writing. No art, barely any music. The focus was: who are you when there’s nothing. This seems so clear in the retrospective, but I feel like when I was being the way I was, it was more of going with whatever I felt like and seeing where that took me. And more often than not, the aforementioned were used as a means of escape, than expression (which has always been my purpose for it.)

So here I am, today, writing this. Clearly that means something’s different.

I feel that as a person, I am very cosmic. (Instagram username: cosmicstance) advertising yay. (sorry)

Anyway. I was not cosmic, for a very long time. I was an ordinary human, who lived a life that was full of confusion and chaos and the trivialities of existing. But for me to swing from one end of the spectrum to the other, only to work my way back, has been beyond worth it. And I feel that once you lose yourself and find it once again, there’s so much of a gain, of wondrous beauty in coming back. For a long time now, I have searched for a reason to live in a world that makes me so sad. In terms of poverty, the environment, love, cruelty, greed, you name it. And I felt all this in the micro and macro level, so it was double the impact you could say. More than anything, I searched for this reason in the people around me, in the trees and the wind. I looked forward for the next set of magic I was going to be presented with. And it was so fulfilling. Then when it stopped, in other words, I stopped looking at the beauty, things got hard.

Then there’s here, me as the person writing this in this second, after the absolutely wonderful day that I have had, for no reason in particular, but so many as well.

Three words have been raised in my surrounding conversations lately; innocence, deception, and perception. All on different tangents but my mind has connected them so beautifully. Essentially, everyone’s perception is deceptive, solely because it is subjective. Solipsism states that you can never know another mind that is not your own. Our perceptions of others, and the world itself, automatically translates to the fact that it is ours. And so, deception.

Now there are two choices.

This is also another concept ive been exploring. The reality of duality. Whether it exists at all. If you attract energies, and duality is both extremes, pain and joy, and so on, should you attract pain?

But here I would choose innocence. To constantly deceive me, more often than not because I am not naïve. It’s a matter of my morals, where I choose this path, and if it inflicts pain, I take it with arms wide open. Is that healthy? Subjective.

But for me, it’s magical. Because with each rise I learn more, and more than anything, it’s what I believe in.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I was the answer. I was the reason I should live, because I am so beautiful, and I am so proud of the growth I have witnessed. It feels egoistic, writing I so many times. I’ve read people using eye instead of ‘I’, and eye I am going to start doing that now.

 

Thank you.